Updates

1) Meds tweak doing great things. Got to a great doc - one who actually listens! And he gave me great news on the hormones, based on (gasp) recent research rather than old wives' tales. It pays to see a specialist.

2) Ditto. Dr on anti-depressants gave me one of those bump pills that you take with the anti-dep. And it works. So that's much better.

3) The Knee. Finally got self to a different doc - one who'd listen to me (!!) and she looked at the X-ray and said 'well, there's the problem! That's bone-on-bone arthritis! No torn meniscus; there's no meniscus left. That's the source of your pain.' Well, gee. Great. It's odd how much a relief a diagnosis can be, even if you don't want the ailment itself. But from diagnosis to the decision to replace the knee (nothing short of that is going to 'cure' the condition) was not hard and surgery is tentatively scheduled for early January. Meanwhile, I have bone on bone pain. The cortisone shot did zip (dammit), but the surgeon doesn't want to do the surgery until at least shot + 4 weeks. So now I'm trying to get something for the pain. Luckily, it's not too long and there's nothing that requires me to be on my feet or use the knee extensively between now and then.

4) The big news is that retirement plans are changing mightily. Hugely. As in... I'm most likely going to retire at the end of the spring term. I'm so fed up with my uni, and the current idiocy that sticking it out for a couple more years is just ridiculous. And unnecessary. Another change is location: not going to France. Thinking about Olympic Peninsula; which is a huge change but I am so excited about it it's funny. Some days I just want to leave now and others I'll be okay to go next week. August seems just impossibly far away. At the moment, the plan is to pack in August: three stacks: to be unpacked there,  to go into storage there and to donate/sell here. Hopefully the last will be the big pile. Then I'll call in the movers, they'll load appropriately and I'll take off with the animals and drive up. Where I will have a place to move into (rental). I'll commit to about a year to see if I like the place, if I can stand the weather (the Olympic rain shadow promises less rain and gray than Seattle, which I knew I'd never be able to stand) and that there's enough life there to make me happy. If yes, then I can spend next spring looking for a permanent residence there. If no, I'll try something/someplace else.

That is me being semi-rational. There are other times when I find a house up there and want to buy now, just take the leap. My friends here keep talking me out of such impulses. Sometimes I even thank them.

Why the change? Well, the biggest bit is the mess of a prioritization study being done on campus. It started last spring, when campus morale was already very bad. Over the past 7 months, the PTB have misled the entire process in so many ways. Buy-in was good; everybody seemed to understand that we as a university needed to take a hard look, figure out what's important, what we're doing well, all the things that 'prioritization' would seem to entail. But from the first, there's been very little in the way of solid information or leadership. The committees formed, then discovered that it would require lots of summer work. Well, for the people on staff who have 12 month employment, that was no big deal, but for faculty on 9 month contracts (most of us, say 95%) that meant lots of extra, unpaid work. They did it, dedicated to the goals and the university. But then they found out - only once into it - just how much work it was going to be. Everybody I've talked to said it was like taking on an additional part time job.

Once they'd one their work, they rolled out what the various departments had to do. We're a small program - 4 faculty, a dozen majors - we had 5 different reports to do: program, department, major, minor and shared minor. The reports required data that we didn't have, and that data was to come from various admin units. Except it didn't. It did come very late, and then was wrong, and then we were told to just use it. My dinosaurs wrote the department reports (me being not allowed anywhere near it), smug in the belief that nothing they did would really matter. So they made it up, used decades old data (based on memory and wishful thinking), and turned it in. And it's been like sending things into a black hole.

There's been no feedback, as those same over-whelmed committee 'champions' then had to read all those reports.  And then decide, based on something else, where in the 5 level matrix of importance, the program/dept/major/minor/shared minor lands.

All that was to have been done by now. The reports were promised to the Deans the first week of January. And then, shaZAAM!! The thing could be implemented in January and we'd be all reconfigured and shiny and new by end of spring term.

You can imagine, I'm sure, the mess that has ensued. Fear. Loathing. Distrust. Disgust. Fear everywhere, as we're all awaiting the ax. The Deans aren't sure whether or not they'll have a chance to rebut the findings, or where they fit in this process. And they have 100 times more voice than faculty. The distrust is palatable. There are those - my dinosaurs - who are confident that nothing will change. They are in a small minority. Most are afraid. Does not make for pleasant work environment.

One prof today told me that we're on the Titanic and his feet are wet. The lifeboats are in the water and loading. And, he's sure, the uni Prez is playing the part of Nero, playing while Rome burns. Or maybe he's the captain of that cruise ship that went aground off Italy: too busy packing his own bags to abandon ship to take notice of his passengers and crew. We could use Captn Smith....  Knowing enough to avoid the mess? Well, that might be too much to ask.

That Slippery Slope

Well, the PTSD diagnosis sticks. And explains much - but from the inside of my life? Things aren't wonderful. The company that made my hormones quit making that formulation, and my doctor said 'well, you shouldn't be on it still anyway. Try Black Cohosh. That does the same thing.' Well, after more than a month, I gotta tell you... it doesn't.

My shrink encouraged me to go back to the doctor and tell her that I'm too flaky right now, and under too much stress, to mess with the meds. So doc put me back on hormones.. but not the same ones. And after a month of those plus the Black Cohosh... no change. And rationally, I understand why nobody wants to tweak the anti-depressants until we get the hormone thing straightened out. I'm not in a particularly strong-rationality mode right now, and feel more like I'm sliding down that banana-peel-strewn slope to the precipice and right off into the black hole of depression. I've been down there before, and I really don't wanna revisit that place. Ever.

The knee continues to hurt (no, it's not arthritis); the opposite foot hurts, the depression lurks. I feel like I'm living inside a third or fourth rate, run-down and deserted motel with cracked windows and lurking nasties. Rationally, I know I'm not. Emotionally, that's what it's like, and things are just getting worse.

And meanwhile, out in the real world, I continue to more or less function. I teach, I read, I go out with friends. I did a 5K walk yesterday, and am pleased with my time and even kind of proud of my aches today. People still like being around me, and laugh at my jokes and snarks. But inside my head, things are not good.

An Interesting Insight

This past couple of weeks has been very uncomfortable. I was writing the other day, and a word popped out that seemed to just nail it: dysphoria.

Definition of DYSPHORIA

:  a state of feeling unwell or unhappy 

— dys·phor·ic   adjective

Origin of DYSPHORIA

New Latin, from Greek, from dysphoros hard to bear, from dys- + pherein to bear — more at bear

First Known Use: circa 1842

With no real understanding of what was at its root, I just felt something was off. It might be chemical - it's been a long time since my anti-depressents were tweaked. And this past summer, my HRT meds were discontinued by the manufacturer. So my new doctor said 'you shouldn't be on them anyway, not with your family history. Try Black Cohosh instead....' So meds might be at the root. Or general $hit that keeps coming. Or... whatever.

Today I got a different insight: PTSD.

My first through fifth response was 'hardly. Nobody's shooting at me, I've not had any horrific trauma.'

Shrinks are wonderful. The one I've been seeing for years suggested that The Mess certainly hit me, was certainly traumatic for me. So she got me past my embarrassment - self imposed - that anything in my life could be so traumatic that it could be called PTSD. But... if war causes PTSD, terrorist attacks, rapes, shootings - those are PTSD 1. Then it seems there might be another few levels of trauma that have long term stress associated stuff - okay. So my PTSD could be seen as relative, and maybe PTSD 47. It's given me a knew way to recognize what's going on, take steps to deal with it. To deal.

The Mess gutted me. Devastated. Then the Larry Mess in Africa, and the resulting blackmail attempts. Now, the uni is trying to ram a "Code of Ethics" down our throats, asserting authority over everything even off campus. Thankfully, the faculty blew up and has forced them to reconsider, but for me, it just opens up all those wounds all over again. Et voila! Stress.

I miss my blog

Back at the beginning of summer, I had to kill a 7 year writing project: my blog. This one started in its place, but ... something's amiss. It's not the same. I think I'm going to remove the subscribers only limit. All these limitations on my freedom are bothersome. The uni limits my actions and speech. That pisses me off. I think I'm going to remove the subscribers only limit. Maybe. If I do, I'll have to remove everything that mentions what's happened to me. That is yet another way of silencing me. More limits.

I've decided that I'm going to retire at the end of spring term, 2016. There's no reason to stay at a place that doesn't value my contributions or service. Teaching is important to me, and if I could simply teach I'd be okay. But even as they are telling me to do precisely that, they are expecting me to do more: more service, more 'counseling' (but no advising - go ahead and explain that separation if you can; they can't). So no.

Good stuff: The Alaska trip is shaping up, and we've had another friend sign on. It started with me and BFH (Best Friend Here). Then BFF (Best Friend France) agreed to join us. Now GFH1 has decided she'll join us too! This is gonna be fab.u.lous.

Madagascar also on track, finally. The only wrinkle there is that if 8 people don't sign up (counting us), it won't happen. I don't know when the cut-off date is, but I'm counting on 6 other people around the world saying 'oh hell yes, I'm going!' Fingers crossed.

Between the two, I'm property searching in Foreign Country (more self-censorship). Very excited about that, am also currently reviewing various floor plans and such. Amazing what people live with: toilets just inside the front door, with the nearest sink five doors away. Ick. No closets.

Went to something called a "Lifestyle Workshop" Saturday. Realtor-speak for 'think about what's important to the way you live before house shopping.' Fit in perfectly with what I'm already doing; I'd gone for a friend (co-sponsoring the event), won the door prize (first time in my life) and ended up learning a lot. This workshop was trying to get people to think about what they valued before deciding what style(s) they like. So, for example, I feel best in bright spaces, openness - both intellectual and spatial - is important. And I realized that my answers to her various questions kept coming back to light & space. And that my objection to 90% of the floor plans and houses I'd seen in the ads for homes in FC were all related to those things: spaces were small, choppy, dark. 2+2 = 4, y'know? I knew that? But it was coming at me in a different way at the precisely right moment. So it was a worthwhile experience.

So now I'm using pinterest to find and note things. And Evernote (thank you Janice!) to keep track of stuff, keep it organized. Ah, things are going pretty well. Dare I tempt the fates, and remove the 'invitation only' limits of this blog? Can I recover my blog-voice, or is it dead forever?

Life is Good, More or less

The knee was nasty for two days, and then... nothing. Feels fine. Who knew? My class is going well; for the first time in a long time, I am teaching my period/place, which is really nice. The students are enjoying it. It's lovely only being on campus two days a week; astonishing how liberated I feel.

I think I'm going to Madagascar next summer. Astonishing, but actually it's doable. The tour is actually cheaper than many people's trips to Europe. And - well, lemurs! And maybe Alaska. And maybe Ghost Ranch. Big travel summer, again.

Weather here is finally cooling down. It's cool enough to work in the yard and get back into the studio. Great sleeping weather too.

Found a new research interest too: gardens and landscapes as a mode of political discourse. Lots of reading to do - it's not quite as distressing as my 'normal' field. Which leads me to teaching the holocaust over and over. The new one will be quite different, but also more fun. And, as a friend said, since I'm on the verge of retirement, my productivity is what I make it. So this new field (no pun intended) offers opportunities to visit gardens, public and private, all over the continent. World, really. And to combine two existing interests: political/cultural history and gardening.

Horrified by a report on NPR re: domestic violence. Seems cell phone spyware is being used as a new tool for abusers to track, dominate and control their victims. What is wrong with people???

Not The Way to Start a Day

Woke early, feeling great. Really great! Stared at the ceiling, thinking of all the things I wanted to do. Make a run to the big box home center, and mount another light in the garage. Pay bills. Make calls. Write a letter. Read a book for class. Give the dog a bath. Got up, bounced happily into the kitchen for coffee, let the dogs out, went down the steps to get something... and my knee gave out.

Screaming pain. Won't hold my weight. Body goes into immediate pain-avoidance mode, refusing to let knee even work. Crap. Major pain.

Hobble back into the house, call the doctor.  Two minutes before office opens, so I leave a message. No call back within the first 15 minutes, so I call again, get to leave yet another message. Hobble around, testing knee. More pain. No swelling, just pain.

Still no call back more than an hour later, so I call again. Try the triage nurse; she's out for the day. Try the doctor; leave a message. Try the operator, who shuffles me around. "Earliest opening is tomorrow."
"Seriously? I'm in a lot of pain, and I can't use it."
"Let me see... no, tomorrow."
"Is anybody else available - today?"
"No, but hold a minute..."
Wait. Wait. "Well, Dr. B says they'll try to see you, but you have to get here right away."
"On my way." Get dressed, hobble to their office. Good thing I've kept the walker from the foot. An hour later, I hobble out. Didn't break it, seem to have screwed up a ligament.

Thankfully, I also have pain meds. Of course, those kept that entire list from getting done. Goooood pain meds.

Horror, Overheard

In a favorite diner this morning, having a leisurely breakfast and reading an article on the relevance of Said's Orientalism decades on....

"The worst thing the Navy ever did was let women on ships."
"yeah, if I was President, that'd be the first thing I'd do - get women out of the Navy."
"Yeah, being at sea is like being in prison, only worse. And putting women out there... I know women  on those ship who never have to cash a paycheck, their prostitution gives them tons of cash. That's all they do!"
'No kidding?'
"oh, yeah! That's the most important thing they [the women] do - they're all prostitutes!"
"Christ, that's just awful."
"yeah... and women in the military is just stupid anyway. You know, because no matter what kind of 'sensitivity training' bullshit the military tries to sell, you know that theAmerican man is going to be all macho, open doors, be polite - that's just what we are! So telling us not to be, well that's just stupid."

Gag. Choke. So if the American male is so damned strong that a) being abroad a naval vessel = prison and b) all women aboard are, by definition, hooking; then shouldn't c) American men are macho, polite and chauvinistic mean that said hookers would all go broke on such a ship since the men all have such amazing self control? Am I missing something here? Cause I totally get the bigotry and blindness, the misogyny and the stupidity - but these two guys are sitting in a public diner, in booths ten feet apart, being waited on by women and spitting out this vile crap - and nobody blinks an eye? I tried to glare 'em down, but they were completely oblivious. And yeah, I didn't get up and call 'em on it either, because hey. This is Red Neck country, where being offensive is expected. Well, it's okay to be a white male and be offensive. Anybody not in that category should just shut the hell up.

More Drama & Unnecessary Trauma

We're into week two of classes here. My methods class is starting off oddly, predictably. Last week they had a library orientation and home work assignment. I collected the assignments today amid complaints that the library guy hadn't given them the answers to the the worksheet. You have to do something. How are we supposed to find recent dissertations? ProQuest? Didn't he show you PQ? Oh, he did. Ahhh. How are we supposed to know who the supervisors of dissertations were? umm, you check the sign-off page? And on and on and on...

The BS on The Mess just continues. Wrinkles and crap abounds. Complications upon complications. All mostly unnecessary. Some posturing - lots of saber-rattling.  Me? I'm telling students I can't advise them. To go see the others in the department, or the acting chair. Had a meeting today to try and clarify some stuff - what I discovered was that the Deans have no clue what the sanctions imposed last June mean. I can counsel, but not advise. I can deal with students in general, but not majors or minors, or students thinking about majoring or minoring. Clear as mud.

Spent the holiday weekend in Portland OR. Which, to my pleasure, turns out to be a very nice place. A huge difference in weather, as here it's very hot - it was in the 60s and 70s up there! Lush and green, funky and kind people, Powell's, great food, interesting waterfront. Drove down to Newport, nearly due west of Corvallis, for this:

Lovely beaches. Who knew??

Counting Down

Uni Stuff, again. Because I am still freaked about starting term. I did finally found out what classes I'm teaching. Just two, because The System screwed up and waited too long to do what needed to be done. Now they are asking me how to resolve the problem of too few classes this term. On one hand, it's nice that they are not dictating to me, that they are seeking my input and preferences. On the other hand, it's a mess of their making. Which sounds and is petty of me.

So now it's me, trying to figure out how I can make up the classes cancelled. They've agreed to count the night class, usually compensated at adjunct rate, as one of my three. Methods is another. So I"m one class short this term.

My options are not enviable.
1: I can do an extra class in the spring term. That would be 5 classes, vs the four planned. They wouldn't all make, which would only compound the problem.
2: I can do the Southeast Asian gig next summer or over Xmas. Not a chance in hell. That would cost me money AND time AND body wear/tear.
3: I can teach a summer class next year. Which would completely screw up my current plans, and there's a very good chance that that class wouldn't make either.
4: I can teach for the adult degree completion program. Down sides: those are evening classes, 8 weeks, one night a week. When I've done those in the past, the short turn-around was hard. I really don't care to do hard for this place. Not anymore. Up side: the class will make, thus solving the problem. And I can probably create a class that the program would accept, so the material would be less than painful.

As you've no doubt noticed, I'm leaning towards #4. I see problems - I'm really good at anticipating problems, working out various scenarios. Particularly when I've been working around these kinds of issues for the past 12 years. The problems are that the department isn't going to be able to justify our 4th member after this year. Having too many faculty isn't a real issue, but having classes that don't make term after term is being read as 'too many faculty, not enough students.' This is a problem we - the department - created over the past few years. So next year, we'll be back to our 2 3/4 staff. The spiral into oblivion will continue. Not. My. Problem. Not anymore.

It's not easy, knowing that the program I've been in for 15 years won't long survive my retirement. If that long. It's hard watching something you've cared about die. A slow and preventable death.

Not. My. Problem.

School Stuff, Yet Again

Went into campus on Tuesday, and it totally freaked me out. No real reason, except that it was the first time I'd been there since they all but fired me. The dinosaurs are assuming some advising duties (amazing), New Hire (hereafter simply VAP) still thinks I'm chair. The Acting Chair/Assoc Dean is up to hir ass in work and hasn't make some easy decisions, much less executed what needs to be delegated. Nor does s/he know what I am teaching this term if my two under enrolled classes are canceled (as I suggested in May, so that we could come up with alternative scenarios; it's now very late and unlikely to work).

I have spent a couple of days trying to sift through the vast info on the internet on the recent literature for my Methods class topic. And related topics. Huge literature since the last time I really looked into this topic. Lots of reading to catch up on, and some really interesting new directions. And many hours how to move iWeb files from desktop Mac to MacBook Pro laptop. Which I am unable to figure out and unwilling to screw up. Logically, I should be able to copy/drag from x to y. However, if that doesn't work, I might have to recreate twenty-five web pages.  And I really don't want to do that. So I am stuck waiting until the IT people can get to me. Sigh. That may be weeks.

Did get the syllabus done. Not the schedule - yet. Generally, I do them backwards, but this one... this one is elusive. That's for the one class I know that starts in less than 2 weeks. The other for-certain class doesn't even start until mid-October. So I can wait on that one for a couple of days, right?

Rethinking my approach on all teaching. For seven years, I've focused on engaged, active learning. I changed everything, went with both gut and scholarly stuff on teaching & learning. You know, the evidence on learning? Every term, I've had successes and failures, but the last two years... it's been 90% failure. Time for 'failure analysis' is long overdue. Not that I have't worried & thought about it - but I've been very busy juggling chain saws and torches. Now I have some time. Hopefully, the energy. Meanwhile... not sure what to do. Do I return to the tried-but-trite (and ineffective) lecture method that students prefer? Passive reception of information presented, assessed by ability to regurgitate via exam/paper. Students actually like that, not knowing any better. But these students have witnessed my 'revised' methods during these past two failure-plagued years. So does that make them a better bet for the 'traditional' lecture method, or a good experimental group for a new approach? And what might that approach be???

Very glad the chain saws and flaming torches are somebody else's problems now.  All I need is some advice, recommendations and luck. Got any?