We Might Have Delayed the Decline. Maybe.

 The mid-terms were far closer than I expected. So there is some good news. It wasn't the Red Wave the GOP was hoping for; and the Liars and Accelerationists were - in some places - repudiated. But the Chief Liar (Trump) isn't deterred, apparently. That's bad news for all of us who care about democracy. The House seemingly flipped - that's bad news for justice re: the January 6 Committee and the work it has done. McCarthy is probably preparing the bonfire for that. I wonder if Moscow Mitch will show for it. He's probably being sullen and, no doubt, concocting new plans to subvert the Senate Majority. He'll likely succeed too - he has Manchin in his pocket, and that splits the Senate down the middle. I'd hate to be Joe Biden - his tough job just got tougher. And he doesn't have a firm base anyway. And I've seen/heard nothing from center or left that promises anything better.

As a country, we seem riven and sullen, if not down right self-destructive. If shared values are a basis for nation (a word I use advisedly), we don't have one. In the current political environment, we might all be using the same words, but definitions are all wonky. Not that they've ever been really clear - going back decades, I distinctly remember hearing Dan Quayle utter 'traditional family values' and choking on my beer. My mother glared at me when I said 'well, that's meaningless' (probably less politely). She was sure she understood what he meant. When I asked 'okay, can you see any politician or person saying they aren't for 'traditional family values?' Poor Mom, she got so tired of me parsing BS. I was so tired of people accepting platitudes and easy phrases without paying attention to the manipulation I saw. She just wanted a quiet, peaceful evening, and I was far more political and critical than any one she'd ever known. 

My education sharpened my critical skills - it's purpose, as far as I'm concerned. But this country doesn't trust intellectuals, or critical thinking. Never really has. I theorize that that attitude is part of our public education goals: I was taught to be curious, but not critical. Oddly, I think it was one reason I was the student I was. I did well on paper, got good grades, but was dismissed as anything more than mediocre. Told I wasn't college material. My rebellions were small, but from a distance, telling. Those are other stories, but the point for this piece is that college and university sharpened my critical thinking skills in ways that Traditional Power Structures have found less than desirable. And the current US political system  seems so dysfunctional and so transparently subverted that I am astonished it is still standing. 

The mid-terms aren't yet finalized, even a week after election day. The Democrats have the barest of majorities in the Senate, the House is still in the balance: Republicans have 217/218 they need to dominate there. McCarthy is sharpening his knives and gathering tinder. Locally, we've elected a developer's lackey to the Development Board, but managed to retain the contested Senate seat. McConnell's hand picked choice for that seat came far too close for comfort. 

And on the global level, human population has reached 8 billion. The earth is groaning, and natural balance (whatever that might be) seems dangerously out of balance for our species. And we'll likely take a huge chunk of life down with us when we go down. That's an ugly prospect.

Gee, what a happy thing. I'm going to go get my head out of doom & gloom and try to enjoy what looks to be a glorious fall day.

Election Day 2022: The Mid-Terms? Or The Penultimate Chapter?

 I'm worried. Really worried. The pundits are suggesting that the GOP will retake control of Congress, and that scares the sh*t out of me. The extremists that have taken control of the Grand Old Party and made it the Party of Fear and Hatred have an extremist agenda, one they've made no effort to conceal. So yeah, I'm worried. This could very well be the last election that even approaches what passes for a free and fair process in the US.

It's not like we don't have problems with the existing process, already tattered by gerrymandering, voter suppression and the like. The Republican assault on voting rights has been constant and multi-focused. And the Democrats haven't been nearly vocal or united enough to do anything to even slow them down. After packing the judiciary with conservative judges, the Rs have largely narrowed the path to redress. Which, for them, makes sense. As I said - it's not like they've been subtle about it. They've spent decades plotting a way to reduce the power of the average voter. It's been such a long process, I think most people have now accepted those past actions as 'normal' and 'logical' rather than the insidious poisoning of the entire political and governing process. 

We'll see the results - maybe - in this election. If the GOP manages to rebound and regrasp the legislative branch, they'll have what they need to control the judicial: the power to appoint. McConnell will dance in private and show his constipated smugness in public. Again. McCarthy... well, he's never been the brightest bulb in the pack, but he's eager to manipulate and bully on behalf of his own interests. We'll face another round of deeply flawed elections after the GOP rams through 'improvements' as they purge voter roles. In 2024, we'll be stuck again with Trump and his cronies, despite the mountains of evidence of corruption and sedition. And dear God, the fear-mongering and hateful conspiracy-loving weirdos will once again be waving their guns and bullying everyone. And millions will fade into the background - again - and come to accept this as 'normal'. 

The world is, according to the New York Times, worrying about democracy in the United States. I am too. Not just about democracy in this troubled country - but about the very survival of the country. We've allowed the entire place - politics, economy, culture, people - to be poisoned. We've done that, and allowed outsiders to do it too. 

Gods willing, we might just survive. Maybe.

Brand New Me

 Wow. It's been a while. And how my life has changed. Particularly in the past... well, since March 2020, which most will immediately associate with the COVID 19 pandemic that shut the world down for... a while.

I'm still living here in heaven, a tiny spot on the North Olympic Peninsula. The town itself has changed too, as towns do and must. I've had a nearly complete rotation of beloved pets too - two lost to cancer in 2017, another to advanced dementia in 2019. All those losses massive, painful, memorable. I still have three dogs and a cat - just two of the original 3/1 remain. Gracie died in January 2017, Tucker at the end of that summer. Gizzy joined the pack in late 2017, basically as a rescue hospice case with 'maybe 2 months' bur gave me 2 years of laughter and joy before sliding into dementia that did not let her sleep. I let her go in December 2019, in my arms and finally at peace. We think she was about 15. By then, Sadie had joined the pack as a senior rescue (about 8), and after Giz left, I waiting, searching for a rescue that would need us as much as we needed hir. That was Ohana, who came to us the Saturday before Covid shut things down on Monday,  mid-March 2020. I still miss all who have gone ahead, and remembering them brings tears and smiles. I've been so blessed with my pups.

I'm still doing my radio gig, which is both nice and  irritating. I was yanked out of my lovely time slot and dumped into Sunday afternoons and the sense of grievance has been strong enough to taint my time there ever since. I'd been really active there, giving time, effort, volunteering on other projects for them. The sense of having been done wrong was astonishing. But real enough for me to stop all those other things I was doing for them, and to limit my contributions to the single day of the week. Tellingly, nobody's noticed.

About November 2020, I was struggling with depression again and needed to get my meds re-assessed and tweaked. That began a frustratingly long process through the American mental health care insurance system. I'd call it a medical system, but it seems more structures by the insurance companies than medical anything. First I had to go to my medical doctor, who had to refer me to the behaviorial health people, who were the only ones who could give me the referral to the psychologist who could evaluate the meds and make recommendations. and because of the pandemic, each of those were over booked and over extended. and before BH could refer me on to the meds shrink, they were required to 'give' me x sessions of counseling. I told BH going in: "I've been in CBT therapy for more than 20 years." She nodded, and I swear it was like doing high school psych 001. To get to the shrink for meds eval, I had to do something like 6 sessions with BH. Each session was 30 minutes, and those were 2 weeks apart. That's 12 weeks of waiting, adn after that it was another month before I got to see the shrink. Those 12 weeks were me sliding further and further down the steep slope into depression, but totally required in order for the practice to be able to be paid. I finally got to the shrink, who asked me routine intake questions, starting with "have you ever been diagnosed?"  All of which was in my record, but he had to verify and ask again. At least a dozen of the questions were focused on suicidal ideation - I finally said "I know you have to ask those questions, and you're good at rephrasing it in so many ways, but the answer will always be NO." "Sorry," he said. "I have to ask for the insurance." At the beginning, I told him I'd been diagnosed as chronic depressive in 1995, and PTSD in 2015. An hour later, a hundred questions later, he revealed his own diagnosis: chronic depression and PTSD. So now we're end of January 2021, and he's agreed that my meds need to be re-assessed, and gives the required referral to a therapist. 

Somehow, by the weirdness of the universe and the luck of the cosmos, I landed on a name in a nearby town. Didn't really know what I was doing, or looking for (the clinic said I could pick my own, so it was basically me going through the internet list of providers in my area), just that I'd had CBT and it hadn't done much but maybe they'd be able to help me find the right person? Dear heavens, the goddesses were with me, because the person that responded was the exact right person for me.

So since late April 2021, I've been seeing Phoebe (not her real name). (I'll call her Feebs.) At our first meeting, we did the intake stuff and I realized I was really comfortable with her. I just skipped all the fencing around, flat out told her what I'd already done in the way of therapy, wasn't a novice and was rather desperate for help. Wide open honesty - it startled her that I was so a) desperate and b) willing to answer anything. At the end of the session, she said "I think you might be a good candidate for EMDR." Life changing words, those.

I'll do a post later about EMDR. But for now, I just want to say that it has changed my life in dramatic ways. Twenty plus years of CBT gave me lots of coping mechanisms, helped me get through hellish events and periods. Never touched the root causes of anything. Never went near 'em. Twenty plus sessions of EMDR have dramatically changed my life, detoxified and unlocked many/most of the base traumas that shaped the past 50 years of my life. 

Now, looking back at my retirement life, I see things that I didn't before. I've found new friendships, developed new relationships and withdrawn from others. I truly suffered through the years of Trump, and fear for the survival of my country and my planet. But the way I think and act now is entirely different from the way I did in March 2020. That big of a change that fast - and to be consciously aware of the change, and appreciative of it - AMAZING.