Once upon a time...

 I used to have a blog, Scattered & Random, which was short for Scattered Thoughts and Random Ideas (STARI). When I lost that blog, and it went inactive, it died and took with it all I'd written. Occasionally, I find stuff in the Way Back Machine, but never what I really want. As is the way of the internet, right?

But the idea of having a place to explore thoughts and ideas sticks. I've missed blogging regularly, and still check blogs from my 'previous life' (academia and people whose blogs I read then), and some I've found more recently. I need to find more - I long for those casual but meaningful conversations on wide ranging issues. Out of academia and into a far less stressful life now, what I find I miss most are the conversations about ideas, concepts and questions.

Such as: I stumbled onto a FB post a couple of days ago about a woman who'd left the Christian church because her experience was so negative and she saw violence and hatred justified 'in the name of the faith.' I was heartened to read that, even more to see that so many agreed with her. On Pinterest I saw a thing: Forget putting Christ back in Christmas; let's get Christ back into Christianity! I agreed with that too. So I'm glad to encounter others who share my own experience and outlook: I left the church I grew up in when I was about 12. My family got a bill from that church, and on the bottom of the note was: We accept Visa and MasterCard. I was stunned and angry: God sends bills? God takes plastic??!! My poor mother tried to explain and talk me down, but I was just horrified. That experience ended my life-long (all 12 years) of participation in church activities. 

Decades later, I came across a quote: "Spirituality is about a connection with a divine; religion is about crowd control." Don't have any idea who said it, or how it's been modified, but it rings so true to my own experience and my professional training. Religion is used for control and manipulation so frequently, that we really can't say it's 'mis-used' - not when people around the world, from all kinds of religious communities, justify cruelty and violence and even indifference in the name of their god(s). If that was a rare occurrence, we might say it's a misuse of religion; but it's far too common for that. 

So I consider myself a pagan, an animist who works to recognize the value and dignity of every manifestation of being: the trees, the rocks, the rivers and the oceans - all are interconnected and a part of a greater whole and deserve honor, respect and protection. 

The 'whole' isn't just an eco-system, or even a planet - in my lifetime we've moved from a view of the universe as a relatively small Huge thing to our solar system as a tiny part of an enormous system - just take a hard look at JWST images, and our galaxy is so tiny! We can only 'see' 13.5 billion years - 10 years ago, that wasn't really possible, never mind the galactic paradigms of the 1950s! I clearly remember when somebody first found another planet in a different solar system, and how astonishing that was. I remember clearly when Jacques Cousteau first filmed the deep sea life forms, and revealed that photosynthesis was only ONE of the processes that converted energy into organic compounds. I remember my astonishment and wonder at the very idea of chemosynthesis and was transfixed. Hubble images were equally mesmerizing, and JWST? Well, that just blew me away. Still does. A friend once explained to me that we don't know how to see non-carbon based life forms - that there could be silicone life forms out there that we simply don't know how to look for. That seemed so logical to  me, and I wonder if scientists have figured that out yet. I just read that chickens can see UV - and I wonder if that ability is in other animals - having lived with both cats and dogs, I know that both can sense things I can't. It makes sense to me that we don't all share the same capabilities, the same rods and cones... so if chickens can see UV, what else can? The world/universe/multiverse is so big, so wondrous, so amazing... how can we not be aware of how much we don't know? How can we not be fascinated by the unknown? Why are so many people so terrified by the unknown? 

Paganism, for me, encourages an exploration of the closest and grandest 'wholes' around us. Crowd control offers some one else's answers for my (many) questions, and it offers security to so many. I can't help but question that taught need for security. And I resent like hell those who think that those of us outside their religion need to be controlled. Limited. Restricted. They are far more dangerous to everyone than I will ever be. They have every right to their beliefs: they do not have the right to impose their religion on others. Period.

Procrastinating procrafting

 One thing I've really embraced in the past 8 years (since retirement) is papercrafting. In the past 23, crafting in various forms has become my replacement for academic research & writing. Once the dissertation was finished, I had that odd relief/distress of the disappearance of The Diss as The Thing I Need to Do. Gradually it filled with crafting: first sewing (a life-time habit and 'hobby'), the gardening, stained glass, then fused glass & jewelry-making. Moving into the PNW meant that glass became much more difficult - the nearest glass shop was two plus hours away, and while I had an ample supply and a good physical set up, it just never really started up again here. It is/was sporadic and not nearly as tempting, whereas in my previous space/place it consumed my interest and time.

Up here, there was a charming little papercraft/art shop in our charming downtown (which is all of one block long, a mile from my home), and lots of ways to meet new people. So I dove into papercrafting, starting with scrapbooking (that lasted about a month) and card making. And now, eight years on, I'm still deeply into card making although that has expanded into design & engineering. The craft room has finally been reconfigured too: over the summer I got new floors installed (LVP), and had to completely empty that room. So the empty space allowed and encouraged a thoughtful reorganization: out went the last of the stained glass tools and supplies, to be sold/donated to some one who will enjoy and use it. I purged much of the sewing stuff years ago, but what is left is now where I can get to it and use it for only those projects that I want to do: mending, gift bags, whatever. Small projects of my own design. I also purged my papercraft supplies, passing along or selling stuff I no longer want/use. Where I've been making do with mismatched cube storage units and side walk finds, I rethought and reconfigured and reorganized, so that what was unused space is now floor to ceiling cubby space with labeled cubes. I converted the awkward closet that had been used to store unused glass supplies to a sewing/computer nook. I hung the pegboards into a more usable configuration, painted them in bright colors to encourage energy and creativity, and added art to the upper reaches of the walls. Between the consolidation, reorganization, additions and deletions, I created a space that feels fun and creative and serene and roomier than ever. I really like being in there.

But I haven't really created anything since the middle of April. And I went from creating 15 cards a week (all for a regular mailing list of friends who I wanted to let know I was thinking of them) to zero. Long after the floor chaos (22 May), the room remained mostly empty. I moved stuff back into the room a bit at a time. 

There's still a lot in the garage that needs to make the short journey back into living space. I purged my library - well over 1,000 books went off to the library's donation place. Long-time friends were stunned to see empty shelves - lots of empty shelves - where books used to be two deep. (Oddly, what didn't go were most of the nick-nacks that I've had perched precariously on top of or in front of the books.) In the craft room - again - is space I've never had. 

But even when I feel like creating, what I end up doing when I get self into the craft room, is organizing. God knows I'm still buying craft supplies & tools. Temu has been both lovely and deadly: their offerings are, to me, mesmerizing. Stamps and dies are 60-90% less than exactly the same things from the craft stores. Right now I'm waiting on two orders - roughly $70 total - of things I can't find or won't pay the price of in US stores. If I were able to find it here, that $70 would be well over $300 from US retailers and - here's the crux of it - I wouldn't have bought, period. So even as I purged a bunch of stamps/dies, I've now added different stuff at a price and rate that is far less and wouldn't have bought had it not been so cheap. My Temu habit must be broken!

So new stuff comes in, gets cataloged and organized and put away...but not used. I'm procrastinating procraftinating even as I avoid doing the things that need doing...

The joys and challenges of retirement...

Off Politics...

Have you heard of EMDR? I certainly hadn't. I had been diagnosed with PTSD, and the conventional wisdom was that it was just something you learned to cope with, developed new/additional coping mechanisms, all with the hope that someday - apparently magically - you'd either not be triggered OR learn to avoid triggers. The fundamental trauma would remain a trauma. 

I'd been in therapy since 1995 for depression, mostly CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) but until 2015, no one had told me that PTSD was part of my (many) issues. 2015 was a hellish year, and a wonderful one: hell because my professional reputation was trashed and slandered (what was later called institutional betrayal). Wonderful because I found and moved to my present location, which has become Home in ways I never dreamed of. But after several years of feeling delightfully stress free and that the depression was under control (thanks to meds), in late 2019 I realized I was slipping back down that all-too-familiar slope into the abyss.

In early 2020, I sought a tweak of my meds, and a qualified counselor. All that required, per the insurance, was a referral by my PCP to a Behavioral Therapist (BT). If the BT couldn't help me or resolve my problem, they could/would refer me to the insurance-approved shrink (IAS) who could then recommend to my PCP that I see a 'real' therapist. All these steps - had I known how long those steps would take, I might have started much sooner. It took 3 weeks to get into the BT, and a couple of those sessions (30/every 2 weeks) before I could tell her "look. I've been in therapy for 20+ years. What we're doing here feels like high school psych 001. I need more." She was a bit startled, but agreed to bump me to the IAS. That took another several weeks, which was painful because I felt like I was hanging on by a (insert metaphor of your choice). I got in to see him, and he dismissed the prior diagnoses, asked expected questions and ultimately agreed with the previous diagnoses. And agreed to recommend to  my PCP that I find a good counselor.

By some stroke of divine intervention/astounding luck, I stumbled on a woman nearby, and she was accepting new patients and agreed to meet with me (this is in the first months of the pandemic, when finding a shrink was already getting difficult). I cannot express my appreciation for her. In our first meeting, doing the routine intake stuff, I held nothing back. I was so desperate for help that ego and caution were left at the curb. She not only agreed to accept me as a client, but thought I would be a good candidate for EMDR for my PTSD. I had no clue what that was, so she suggested I research it. 

Well. WOW. I read up, searched the internet, asked around. No one I knew had ever heard of it, but of course the internet had lots of answers: some helpful, some dismissive, some clear, others muddy as hell. My next meeting with Beatrice (my new counselor) was good: I told her I wanted to try the EMDR, was skeptical but hopeful. So the next weeks were spent doing the set-up, and the questions were not what I'd expected: after 20+ years of CBT, the questions were completely new to me: where did I feel safe? When? Why? I had no safe place, never have had. That shocked both of us, but I was being totally honest and open (and wretched). So we spent a couple of weeks doing the set-up for EMDR, and those were some of the most enlightening sessions of my life.

Ultimately, she gave me some tools that would and do help me focus, put feelings aside until I can deal with them with her help, start visualizing. I was so excited and so amazed at how well I could get those tools to work, that I told a friend (also depressed & PTSD), and she started using the tools to help her.

 Things I've learned:

• How to compartmentalize responses to triggers and keep them compartmentalized
• How to let go - actually resolve - events/experiences that created the trauma
• Trauma isn't comparable: five people experiencing the same event at exactly the same moment will likely process it in at least 5 different ways. One might be able to react, respond and process it - let it pass. Another might take a few days/weeks, but it will process and pass. Others are traumatized.
• Those processes are a physiological cascade of bio-reactions originating in the amygdala. So what is a trauma isn't a choice - it is a bio-chemical 'lock' on a part of the brain. Removing that lock isn't something one can will into happening, but it CAN resolve via therapy. OMG was that huge. It's not just a case of 'get over it.' No one can say 'that wasn't traumatic!' It isn't a choice.

I've read the studies that dismiss the premises and practices of EMDR, but it has been accepted and used as one of the top treatments for PTSD. Personally, I think most people would benefit from learning its techniques. I've seen it help others, and it's changed my life. For decades I've been asking professionals to teach me to let go of the past, of events, experiences and the memories of the neglect, abuse and abandonment that I've experienced. And I finally got an answer that works for me.

It's made an enormous difference in my everyday life. I no longer have silent agonizing conversations, trying to find the words, the way to communicate the impact of the words, actions, inactions and physical blows have had on my life. I no longer accept any blame for my feelings, or my pain. I've let that go, via EMDR. The PTSD is still there, but it's no longer a heavy burden. Now it feels like a minor twinge of a little used muscle, rather than a cascading mountain lurking on my shoulder, ready to incapacitate me. 

Beatrice says I've been an amazing client/patient, and we agree it was because I came in hoping it would work. I firmly believe that my openness and desperation were key factors: I literally had nothing to lose if it didn't work. Never doubt that the therapy was hard, or pain free. But it has been remarkably effective and it's been lasting. 

If you're interested in learning more, I'd recommend starting here.

Well, Howdy! Starting again. Again.

It's been a while, but as a blog offers both a comfortable space and an opportunity, my therapist suggested I try again. So!

The fabulous news of Trump's newest indictment is top of mind. I cannot believe how many Amurikans continue to believe and support that twit. His howls of purported rage are, IMHO, those of a hyper-spoiled brat who has never had to face any consequences for his stupidity and venality. The fact that it's Georgia makes it all the more surprising: Georgia is conservative and a bit backward, but they are, to date, the only state that has the people who are willing to call a crime a crime in this case. For him, Georgia used to be little more than a fly-over, a minor irritation when they didn't always dance to his fiddle. For them to charge him and insist that he surrender? Please let this be the humiliation he so richly deserves.

And the RICO elements? I swooned. 41 counts, 19 defendants... and so much evidence! Lordy, what that man and his enablers have done. I am still not sure that this country can ever recover from the damage that  the GOP has done over the past half century: Nixon's venality, Reagan's reckless anti-governing attitudes, the Tea Party's canonization of Reagan and his legend (which blithely ignored all the damage he did and further undermined the social contract),  Newt Gingrich, Tom Delay, the Bush Boys back room presidencies, Dick Cheney (war criminal)... and then... OMG, the Moscow Mitch degradations. Paul Ryan. Donald Trump. Kevin McCarthy. Marjorie Taylor-Green. And the politics of fear mongering... remember how horrified we were when Bush Sr (already tarred and damaged by Iran-Contra) was running against Michael Dukakis, and used the Willie Horton case to re-invigorate his campaign? The Republicans had been encoding fear politics into their programs and platforms for years - that was, for me, the first time I personally saw an overt appeal based on racism by the Republicans (which says much about my socialization and blinders, doesn't it..?). Then the Tea Party's pettiness and the disgrace that is Newt Gingrich. It's a long and distressing litany of old white men who sought personal power at the expense of American-style democracy. And all too frequently, not only redefined those traditions, but degraded us all.

So yeah, I pleased that finally somebody called a crime a crime. And is going after the Trump Cabal. Too bad Fani Willis is such a unicorn, and no wonder that a local Republican state lawmaker is calling for her impeachment. May he rot in Trump Hell.

Beyond that...

The Ukraine war is an ongoing tragedy, which Americans would prefer to forget. No, we want to cry for the people of Lahaina in Hawaii. That is not to say that Lahaina isn't tragic, and horrific. It is simply on a totally different scale than the nightmares that Putin and his cronies are imposing on Ukraine. Americans tend to be insular and thoroughly sold on the idea of American exceptionalism, and get downright nasty and even violent when that is questioned. So yes, I feel sympathy for those who've suffered in Lahaina, as I do for those in Lytton BC. And those all over the world whose homes and livelihoods were destroyed by fire, war, greed, environmental catastrophe, climate change, etc.. I cringe when Americans focus only on the local and refuse to acknowledge the loss and humanity of those outside the geo-political constructs of Amurika.