Off Politics...

Have you heard of EMDR? I certainly hadn't. I had been diagnosed with PTSD, and the conventional wisdom was that it was just something you learned to cope with, developed new/additional coping mechanisms, all with the hope that someday - apparently magically - you'd either not be triggered OR learn to avoid triggers. The fundamental trauma would remain a trauma. 

I'd been in therapy since 1995 for depression, mostly CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) but until 2015, no one had told me that PTSD was part of my (many) issues. 2015 was a hellish year, and a wonderful one: hell because my professional reputation was trashed and slandered (what was later called institutional betrayal). Wonderful because I found and moved to my present location, which has become Home in ways I never dreamed of. But after several years of feeling delightfully stress free and that the depression was under control (thanks to meds), in late 2019 I realized I was slipping back down that all-too-familiar slope into the abyss.

In early 2020, I sought a tweak of my meds, and a qualified counselor. All that required, per the insurance, was a referral by my PCP to a Behavioral Therapist (BT). If the BT couldn't help me or resolve my problem, they could/would refer me to the insurance-approved shrink (IAS) who could then recommend to my PCP that I see a 'real' therapist. All these steps - had I known how long those steps would take, I might have started much sooner. It took 3 weeks to get into the BT, and a couple of those sessions (30/every 2 weeks) before I could tell her "look. I've been in therapy for 20+ years. What we're doing here feels like high school psych 001. I need more." She was a bit startled, but agreed to bump me to the IAS. That took another several weeks, which was painful because I felt like I was hanging on by a (insert metaphor of your choice). I got in to see him, and he dismissed the prior diagnoses, asked expected questions and ultimately agreed with the previous diagnoses. And agreed to recommend to  my PCP that I find a good counselor.

By some stroke of divine intervention/astounding luck, I stumbled on a woman nearby, and she was accepting new patients and agreed to meet with me (this is in the first months of the pandemic, when finding a shrink was already getting difficult). I cannot express my appreciation for her. In our first meeting, doing the routine intake stuff, I held nothing back. I was so desperate for help that ego and caution were left at the curb. She not only agreed to accept me as a client, but thought I would be a good candidate for EMDR for my PTSD. I had no clue what that was, so she suggested I research it. 

Well. WOW. I read up, searched the internet, asked around. No one I knew had ever heard of it, but of course the internet had lots of answers: some helpful, some dismissive, some clear, others muddy as hell. My next meeting with Beatrice (my new counselor) was good: I told her I wanted to try the EMDR, was skeptical but hopeful. So the next weeks were spent doing the set-up, and the questions were not what I'd expected: after 20+ years of CBT, the questions were completely new to me: where did I feel safe? When? Why? I had no safe place, never have had. That shocked both of us, but I was being totally honest and open (and wretched). So we spent a couple of weeks doing the set-up for EMDR, and those were some of the most enlightening sessions of my life.

Ultimately, she gave me some tools that would and do help me focus, put feelings aside until I can deal with them with her help, start visualizing. I was so excited and so amazed at how well I could get those tools to work, that I told a friend (also depressed & PTSD), and she started using the tools to help her.

 Things I've learned:

• How to compartmentalize responses to triggers and keep them compartmentalized
• How to let go - actually resolve - events/experiences that created the trauma
• Trauma isn't comparable: five people experiencing the same event at exactly the same moment will likely process it in at least 5 different ways. One might be able to react, respond and process it - let it pass. Another might take a few days/weeks, but it will process and pass. Others are traumatized.
• Those processes are a physiological cascade of bio-reactions originating in the amygdala. So what is a trauma isn't a choice - it is a bio-chemical 'lock' on a part of the brain. Removing that lock isn't something one can will into happening, but it CAN resolve via therapy. OMG was that huge. It's not just a case of 'get over it.' No one can say 'that wasn't traumatic!' It isn't a choice.

I've read the studies that dismiss the premises and practices of EMDR, but it has been accepted and used as one of the top treatments for PTSD. Personally, I think most people would benefit from learning its techniques. I've seen it help others, and it's changed my life. For decades I've been asking professionals to teach me to let go of the past, of events, experiences and the memories of the neglect, abuse and abandonment that I've experienced. And I finally got an answer that works for me.

It's made an enormous difference in my everyday life. I no longer have silent agonizing conversations, trying to find the words, the way to communicate the impact of the words, actions, inactions and physical blows have had on my life. I no longer accept any blame for my feelings, or my pain. I've let that go, via EMDR. The PTSD is still there, but it's no longer a heavy burden. Now it feels like a minor twinge of a little used muscle, rather than a cascading mountain lurking on my shoulder, ready to incapacitate me. 

Beatrice says I've been an amazing client/patient, and we agree it was because I came in hoping it would work. I firmly believe that my openness and desperation were key factors: I literally had nothing to lose if it didn't work. Never doubt that the therapy was hard, or pain free. But it has been remarkably effective and it's been lasting. 

If you're interested in learning more, I'd recommend starting here.